Boyz II Men

Men, that is males of the human species, are genetically designed to be unable to take or give directions. This is a fact. There is no use trying to deny this. If you do, and you are male, then you are most certainly in a deep, psychopathic denial.

Women all over the world already know this. This transcends culture and even time itself. Adam no more knew exactly where the Tree of Good and Evil was in the Garden of Eden than he knew where God was hiding watching him and Eve. This is a fact. It is in the Bible. Eve found the fruit. Adam could not. I could rest my case here but I progress.

I am one of the few men of the human race who actually accepts this fact of genetics. I do not fight it. I admit it freely. I cannot find anything, even if someone draws me a map.

One of the perks of writing a column is that readers will often write you. Some of them tell me that I miss the point of life itself and should never write another word. Others, actually interested in what I have to say about my life in Mexico, write for clarifications of points in my articles and sometimes—directions!

I recently wrote a piece about cheaper, middle-class accommodations here in my adopted Mexican town, Guanajuato. This guy wrote me for a clarification about whether I was describing a hostel or a hotel. Then, amazingly, he asked me how to get there.

Do not miss the irony of this. Here was someone who identified himself as a male asking a male author for DIRECTIONS!

I could not give directions out of a paper bag even if my life depended on it. The reason is I am a man. Though I have lived in Guanajuato for more than three years, have walked the streets endlessly, I have no clue how to tell someone who has never stepped foot in this town how to get anywhere. I know how to get to the places where I have been (where my wife has taken me) and that is about it. Unless someone is familiar with the same landmarks, I cannot tell someone how to get anywhere.

Let me make a point here for you gals out there whose men actually try to ask for directions. If your man jumps out of the car to ask someone for directions, he is doing this for your sake. He does not want to appear the directionally-challenged oaf that he is. So, off he goes to ask for directions.

If he encounters a direction-giving woman, he will most certainly act like he understands every single twist and turn of her directions. However, in reality, he will not have heard one word she told him. When he gets back into the car, he will say, “Well, my turtle dove, there was no one who knew anything about where we want to go.” or something to that effect.

If he encounters a man, they will have a beer together while laughing hysterically that you are sitting out in the car while your guy is pretending to obtain directions to your desired destination from another guy. Your hunk will return and with the appropriately sad face, tell you that no one knew a thing.

That is why, for all you men who are in denial about being able to give and take directions, you should send your women to get directions! Don’t allow your pride to get in the way. Send in the woman!

Well, what compounded the problem was that the reader said, “I could not find it on the map of Guanajuato.”

The reason he could not find this hostel was because 1) he is a man and 2) the maps of this town were drawn by other men.

The existing maps make no sense whatsoever even if you are a guy who is particularly good with directions. I do not know why anyone bothers to keep producing these maps. The Spanish, who settled this place, could not make maps of the impossible Guanajuato topography. Why do modern men continue to try?

My wife, who knows every street by name, had to get online and send directions to this reader. I am sure that he had to get his wife to read them since he would not have been able to follow directions. That is his genetic imperative.

Do not deny it!

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